This morning my friend told me she did not like the present given from her boyfriend. She told me she had told him what she disliked, but well, he happened to give her a gift with all the features she did not approve.
Sounds familiar, huh?
Her boyfriend gave her a gift to make himself happy- obviously, if his main purpose was to please her, he would have listened and cared. He only wanted to show that he gave a gift- did what a boyfriend would do.
Well, of course, I am not saying all wrong gifts are bad. Sometimes, we get gifts we don’t like because we never tell the gifter what we want or those are the best the gifter could get.
My point here is, this is especially the same as all the other incidents in a relationship- we don’t love the other person the right way.
For example, jealousy. We are jealous when our significant other is out with some other people or person. Our first instinct is that we love this person so much but we are not loved back; we feel wronged that our efforts were put into no use and that our love was not valued. But have we thought about the fact that our so-called efforts were never right at the first place? Then, of course, our love cannot be loved back, because it was in the wrong way and it did not, and had never, served its purpose.
Problem is, we never listen. We think we love someone, so whatever we do is right, and we are entitled to be loved back. Just like what I said in how can I make you feel special?, I know you love me because I am special, how do you prove you are special enough for me to love you back? I remember going home in the summer, I always try to stay home as often as possible. But once in a while, I want to go out to see friends or just have a break away from the family. When that happens, my mom would use her special way to tell me “the house was really quiet last night without you.” Well, I mean, I still get to be out for some time. But this is like a lot of the relationship, we don’t want to be alone because we feel abandoned. We victimize ourselves that “oh my god, s/he is out there having fun, and I only get to be home alone. I thought s/he loved me, but I guess s/he was just saying.” Two things- One, is the person constantly away or just one time, and hasn’t the person had spent time with us or even helped out when we needed? When we want someone to be flawless, we better be in order to judge. Second, will that jealous and victimy attitude get us love? (Not even) Nice try.
Moreover, when we feel jealous, it is never about the other person. It is always about us. What we see does not even harm us, but what we feel- what harm could it do to me that my boyfriend is out there talking to a girl? (Yea, my feeling is hurt. [Rolling my eye as I type.]) But how jealous I feel has a direct effect on me- it is killing me, right? Then again, 99% of us would deny the fact that we are jealous; some may try to be a “bigger person” and find reasons for the other, but still, hold a grudge because the moment we decide to be jealous at that specific incident, we never plan to move on. Well, go ahead and let your own jealousy hurt your precious delicate feelings.
The funniest thing is that we want some freedom too. So yes, of course, we are going to impose what we don’t like on the ones we love, in the name of love. Then, of course, we are going to break up, oh, without even knowing what went wrong.
We think we deserve trust, but we don’t want to give out trust. By that, we just assume the other person does not need to be trusted. One very important consideration in learning how to love is to learn what the other person thinks and wants. If I know my boyfriend loves going rock-climbing and I don’t, I will give him all the freedom he wants to do so without even asking anything. Also, what’s the point of sticking with each other without creating any value? Please broadly interpret the word “value” here. If we can give what the other person wants, then very well, go ahead. But if we cannot, we at least should give the other person the opportunity to do so without interfering.
As far as I see, a lot of us want to be loved in the way that we are loved by parents (or ideal parents), meaning unconditional love. We want to be forgiven whenever we make any mistake, but we think we are entitled to be mad when our significant other has done something wrong- isn’t that how we treat our parents? To me, some families only care about us because no one can change the fact that we are family. Even so, sometimes families argue and become total strangers. This is because we just never learn how to properly love someone, and we take things for granted without thinking what we do to deserve what we have. All relationships need to be maintained.
Just grow up.